Part 5 Self Doubt + Triggers: On Route to Healing
I was meeting with a counselor weekly to talk about the assault and what next steps I was going to take. Move home, stay or to keep traveling. I still couldn't swallow the event.
I longed to know what really happened, not just what I was told. How was I meant to heal and fight for myself or even let go if I didn't know what actually happened? How was I meant to go off what I was told? When I would walk near hostels (which were everywhere) I would break down in a panic attack. I would start to hyperventilate, I couldn't breathe or think.
I started to have flashbacks of the assault during these trigger attacks. I thought perhaps it was my memory coming back. I would constantly call into the police station to try and relay things and see if they aligned at all. All the police officers and the counselors I saw told me the same thing. They said “ You’ve suffered a very traumatic event, more so you have trauma to your head. Your mind might be playing tricks to protect yourself or it might be real, but you will never really know”. Living with constant self-doubt was among one of the worst parts of all this.